Gridlock and Unfulfilled Dreams:

This week studying the concept of Gridlock in marriage was very enlightening and I can see the value in trying to solve it or at least learning to accept.  Dr. Gottman defines gridlock as unresolvable conflicts.  I really liked the idea of spouses communicating unfulfilled dreams to each other to explain why they dig in their heels about certain subjects.  He suggests an exercise where couples become “Dream Detectives”.  While the title of this activity is off the charts in cheesiness, it is a great idea for couples struggling to understand their spouse’s dreams.  Here are two steps to doing just this:   

1) Become a “Dream Detective,” and allow yourself to contemplate dreams you may have buried or ignored within the gridlocked issue. This will help you to understand the ways in which you feel that these wishes are not being addressed in your relationship.

2) Explain your position to your partner without criticism or blame. If it helps, write out such an explanation beforehand, focusing on what the two of you need or want out of the area of disagreement. Come to an understanding of the dreams that you and your mate have within the conflict, and dig deeper than the superficial issue to discover your feelings and hopes below the problem at hand. Suspend judgment. Relax. Give each other time, and do not attempt to solve the problem immediately. Ask questions!

In my own marriage we had this issue of gridlock come up when we were first married, though we didn’t know it at the time, we did a pretty good job of talking about each other’s dreams and not letting this issue get the better of us.  When my husband and I had been married for less than a year, he came to me one Friday after work and said, “Let’s go camping, we can be ready in 5 minutes.”  I did not have a problem with going camping but I like order and control.  I wanted to plan out where, when, and all the details of a camping trip and was not flexible or comfortable with impulsiveness.  I fought back and stubbornly told him I did not want to go.  We were angry with each other for a little bit, and I remember my husband saying to me, “If this marriage is going to work, you have to be flexible and spontaneous.”  I told him that I had grown up in too much chaos and I needed to be able to control situations to prevent feelings of anxiety (shared my dream of living chaos free and being in control). He explained to me that he needed to feel like after a stressful week we could just spontaneously drop everything and go.  This is how he relaxed, in the mountains away from everything (shared his dream of being able to escape to the mountains to relax and rejuvenate).   I still have issues with wanting to be in control of everything and my husband is still impulsive at times, but we know why the other feels the way we do and can be supportive even if it isn’t a shared dream.