The Four Pillars of Shared Meaning.

This week as I studied the Four Pillars of Shared Meaning from Gottman’s book the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work I was impressed by how closely in line these key ideas with what the gospel teaches.  I thought I would share an idea from Gottman and some correlating words from our latter-day prophets and apostles.  The four pillars are; 1. Rituals of connection 2.  Support for Each other’s Roles 3.  Shared Goals 4. Shared Values and Symbols.

Rituals of Connections:

Gottman:  It is a sad fact that less than a third of U.S. families eat dinner together regularly, and more than half of those that do have the television on.  This effectively ends conversations during dinner.   Creating rituals in your marriage (and with your children) can be a powerful antidote to this tendency to disconnect.  A ritual is a structured event or routine that you each enjoy and depend on and that both reflects and reinforces your sense of togetherness.

Dallin H. Oaks 2007: “The number of those who report that their “whole family usually eats dinner together” has declined 33 percent. This is most concerning because the time a family spends together “eating meals at home [is] the strongest predictor of children’s academic achievement and psychological adjustment.” Family mealtimes have also been shown to be a strong bulwark against children’s smoking, drinking, or using drugs. There is inspired wisdom in this advice to parents: what your children really want for dinner is you.”

Support for Each Other’s Roles:

Gottman:  From the standpoint of marriage, our perspective on our own roles and our mate’s can either add to the meaningfulness and harmony between us or create tension.

N. Eldon Tanner 1973: “I can think of nothing sweeter than a home where a man is living his religion, magnifying his priesthood, with his wife supporting him in every way, where love and harmony exists, and where together they are trying to raise a family of righteous sons and daughters whom they can take back into the presence of their Heavenly Father.” 

Shared Goals:

Gottman:  Not only will you increase the intimacy of your marriage by sharing your deepest objectives with your spouse, but to the extent that you work together to achieve shared goals, they can be a path toward making your union even richer. 

Russell M. Nelson 2006: “Good communication includes taking time to plan together. Couples need private time to observe, to talk, and really listen to each other. They need to cooperate—helping each other as equal partners. They need to nurture their spiritual as well as physical intimacy. They should strive to elevate and motivate each other. Marital unity is sustained when goals are mutually understood. Good communication is also enhanced by prayer. To pray with specific mention of a spouse’s good deed (or need) nurtures a marriage.”

Shared Values and Symbols:

Gottman:  Often, a couple’s shared values and beliefs are represented by symbols, which can be actual objects or intangible.  Religious icons like a crucifix or mezuzah are obvious symbols of faith a couple may have displayed in their home.  They represent values if their meaning is discussed, made personal, and agreed upon. 

Gordon B. Hinckley 1975: “…the lives of our people must become the only meaningful expression of our faith and, in fact, therefore, the symbol of our worship.”

Cherishing Your Spouse

For this week's topic of Cherishing your Spouse, I wanted to share a story I heard in Sacrament meeting a few years ago.  A member of the high council was speaking and he told the congregation from the first few years of his marriage.  Every night he would go to get ready for bed and would find his toothbrush laying out with toothpaste on it.  He didn't think much of it at first and never mentioned it to his wife.  After a while he started to get irritated, thinking, "Does she not think I can do this myself?" or "Does she think I won't brush my teeth if she doesn't lay it all out for me?" "I am an adult, I can get my own toothbrush and toothpaste ready."  He never said anything to her, but was getting more and more annoyed every night when he would go to bed.  Finally one night he was in a bad mood and snapped at her, "Why do you always do this? Do you think I can't handle putting toothpaste on a toothbrush?"  She was surprised and a little embarrassed that he was so upset about it.  "She said, when we got married, the temple sealer advised us to look for a way to serve each other every day.  I have put toothpaste on your toothbrush everyday since we got married because I want to serve you."  To say the least he was so humiliated.  He couldn't believe he had assumed the worst about his wife and had not even thought twice about the counsel the sealer had given.  He decided right then to follow her example and find a way to serve her every day, but he also decided never to assume anything about her, but to always think and hope for the best.  Haven't we all had a time when we assumed something about a spouse or a loved one and it turned out to be completely different?  I think that if we will look for the best and hope for the best, then the best is what we will see and feel.  I hope this story inspires all to remember that sometimes cherishing our loved ones might just mean giving them the benefit of the doubt. 

Lord is it I?

It was our beloved Savior’s final night in mortality, the evening before He would offer Himself a ransom for all mankind. As He broke bread with His disciples, He said something that must have filled their hearts with great alarm and deep sadness. “One of you shall betray me,” He told them.

The disciples didn’t question the truth of what He said. Nor did they look around, point to someone else, and ask, “Is it him?”

Instead, “they were exceeding sorrowful, and began every one of them to say unto him, Lord, is it I?”

Elder Uchtdorf gave these words in the October 2014 priesthood session of General Conference.  It is a talk I have read repeatedly as it seems to really speak to my soul.  As I began to read John M. Gottman’s book this week titled the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work I was reminded again of this talk by Elder Uchtdorf.  I could spend all my time and energies studying this book and think about all the ways my husband could learn from these principles, or I can turn and ask, “Lord is it I?”.  I am the one studying marriage and reading this book, therefore, I will take all the principles learned and figure out how I can do better in each area of my marriage.  I am going to try hard not to point the proverbial finger at my husband’s mote while ignoring my own beams.

Another take away as I delve into the aspects of creating a better marriage is being fair.  In H. Wallace Goddard’s book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage he talks about the Fundamental attribution error.  He says, “Social psychology has found an intriguing quirk in human thinking.  The fundamental attribution error suggest that humans tend to interpret the behaviors of other based on character- or lack of it.  In contrast, when we interpret our own behavior, we tend to factor in circumstances as important.”  I will not excuse myself for certain destructive behaviors in marriage, or “horsemen” as Gottman calls them, as circumstantial while expecting my husband’s character to be perfect. 

As I take a good look at my role and my responsibilities in marriage I know it will only bless our relationship and help heal areas that may be damaged and strengthen those areas that are already thriving.  Again, the words of Elder Uchtdorf, from the same talk, bring a promise that I want to live worthy of. “…being able to see ourselves clearly is essential to our spiritual growth and well-being. If our weaknesses and shortcomings remain obscured in the shadows, then the redeeming power of the Savior cannot heal them and make them strengths.   Ironically, our blindness toward our human weaknesses will also make us blind to the divine potential that our Father yearns to nurture within each of us.”

DOCTRINES OF AN ETERNAL MARRIAGE

       

This week as we have been studying the Doctrines of an Eternal Marriage a talk by Elder Bruce C. Hafen really stood out to me.  He said, “Jesus taught about contractual attitudes when he described the “hireling,” who performs his conditional promise of care only when he receives something in return. When the hireling “seeth the wolf coming,” he “leaveth the sheep, and fleeth … because he … careth not for the sheep.” By contrast, the Savior said, “I am the good shepherd, … and I lay down my life for the sheep.”  Many people today marry as hirelings. And when the wolf comes, they flee. This idea is wrong. It curses the earth, turning parents’ hearts away from their children and from each other.” He goes on to describe three of the “wolves” that can attack marriage.  The first wolf he warns of is natural adversity, those hard time we go through in marriage that can make us stronger or tear us apart.  The second wolf is their own imperfections, finding fault in ourselves and in our spouse.  The third warning or wolf that he points out is excessive individualism, where couples separate themselves so much that they eventually don’t have anything in common.  In my marriage I think this last “wolf” is one that my husband and I have made a conscience effort to avoid the most.

When we first got married, for whatever reason, I was worried that I would lose my identity by “becoming one” so I tried to keep my hobbies, interests, and preferences to myself.  My husband hated it and would always ask me to focus more on what we had in common rather than what make us different.  It took me many years to come around and see what he was trying to tell me.  He didn’t want me to become him or him to become me, he wanted us to become one.  After that I tried harder to take an interest in what he liked, and he did the same with me.  It is like a game for us when we find things that we both like we say, “we both like that because we are the same”.  I don’t feel like I have lost my identity instead I feel like I have gained a relationship with my partner that is stronger because we are together.  I also think that focusing on this “wolf”, helps us avoid the pitfalls of the other two.  When we are more unified in our relationship times of adversity can’t conquer us because we are stronger as a partnership than alone.  I also think that by being unified in all things we aren’t looking for faults in each other, instead we are finding things we are both good at and working on them together.

Here are a few pictures of my husband and I as we climbed Mt. Whitney together.  Before we were married this was not something I ever would have thought I could do or would even want to do.  After many years of him asking me to climb it with him, I finally agreed.  It was so hard but I can honestly say I have never felt accomplishment like when I submitted the highest peak in the continental U.S.  This is just one example how trying to be unified has strengthened our marriage.