For this week's post I wrote a letter to my future self with important reminders about the type of mother in-law I would like to be and why it is so important.

Dear Me as a Mother In-law,

If you are reading this than one of your sons must be getting married and you are making the transition into being a mother in-law (MIL).  I hope you will remember all that you have learned from life's experiences about the type of MIL you want to be.  You have seen some bad examples of women who have not treated their in-law children very well and you know what it can do to the relationship between mother and child and the stress it can cause on their marriage.  Because you have had a MIL, who has loved you as her own from the day you married her son, you know what it is like to be welcomed into a family.  You have always felt so much acceptance from your MIL and it has made you love your husband even more.  Love that new daughter in-law the same way, look past anything that you were not expecting and find every way you can to make her feel special and accepted into your family.  Appreciate what she can bring to your family that was not their before.  Express your gratitude for her and what she means to your son, try and see her the way he sees her.  Remember these words from Horsley (1997); Limary (2002) that you read in your Marriage class at BYU Idaho, "Research has shown that lack of marital approval, in-law blaming or triangulation, intrusion, forcing loyalty issues, holding grudges, and refusing to redefine one's role as a parent are related to poor in-law relationships and also jeopardize the marriage of the son or daughter. In one study, 80 percent of couples in failed marriages had not gained the approval or support of parents to marry."  The last thing you want to do is cause any problems between your son and his new wife.  Being a newlywed is hard enough without extra added pressures from in-laws.  The best thing you can do is love her the way you were loved by your MIL and continue the cycle of acceptance.  You can choose to be the MIL that every girl dreams of and who your sons will be proud of.  You got this!

Love,

Your Past Self

This quote that is often accredited to Benjamin Franklin is one that always rings true when I think of family counsels.  I grew up with having them on the first Sunday of every month.  I think my parents did a good job of instilling in us the value of staying organized and on the same page.  They had six very busy kids and having a calendar of what was going on was so helpful.  As their counsels were so successful, I wanted to share what a typical family counsel agenda would have looked like in my family when I was growing up.

Opening Prayer:

Calendar Items:

Assigning of Family Home Evening Lessons:

Each Person Gets a Turn to Talk About what is on their mind:

Mom and Dad review how things are going:

Closing Prayer:

Of course we as kids would role our eyes and complain about family counsel each month, we would teasingly call it family "cancel".  Looking back on it now though, we learned so much about being organized and having a plan.  I know that as I have carried on this same tradition with my family, maybe not quite so organized as my parents, we are more unified as a couple and as a family.  

In October 1953 General Conference,  Elder Stephen L. Richards said, "I have had enough experience to know the value of councils. Hardly a day passes but that I see the wisdom, God's wisdom, in creating councils … to govern his Kingdom. In the spirit under which we labor, men can get together with seemingly divergent views and far different backgrounds, and under the operation of that spirit, by counseling together, they can arrive at an accord, and that accord … represents the wisdom of the council, acting under the Spirit."

Having a house of order creates a place where the spirit can reside and peace will be abundant.   

Orange Juice and Brushing Teeth-Teaching Youth about the Joy of Sex

Beginning a marriage has its challenges for many different reasons.  I think anyone who has gone through the newlywed phase would agree with that.  As many young adults in the LDS faith who have kept the standards they have been taught, one of the challenges is often that of sex and intimacy.  I think some of our youth having been taught about being morally "clean" consider the alternative “dirty”.  Why do some kids turn their heads and say, “gross!” when they see their parents kissing?  We need to teach our youth that sex is great!  It just needs to be at the right time with the right person.  On February 18, 2018 Hank Smith, a Professor of Religion at BYU and motivational speaker tweeted, “Never teach teens that sexual feelings, thoughts, and desires are evil or “from the devil.”  Marriage and sex are like drinking orange juice and brushing your teeth- they are both awesome- just try to get them in the right order.” If we as parents teach our kids just this, that we love having sex but that it is very best within marriage, hopefully young adults won’t have a skewed vision of what sex is and isn’t.  In an article titled Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage by Sean E. Brotherson, it states, “For those who may struggle with feelings or thoughts that the expression of sexual desires is unwholesome or shameful, notice how clearly President Lee teaches that such impulses are intended by God as a “holy impulse for a holy purpose,” indeed a divine purpose in marriage. That divine purpose, I believe, is to serve as a specific and powerful symbol of reunifying commitment and love between a husband and wife.” 

I know as a young bride 19 years ago on the eve of my wedding it was so hard to comprehend why something that had been so forbidden, mysterious, and somewhat scary sounding was going to be completely OK in a matter of hours.  I think my anticipation would have been excitement rather than anxiety, if I had been taught that it was a wonderfully fulling part of my life that would help my future husband and I grow closer as a couple for many years to come, rather than a mysterious and taboo experience.

Gridlock and Unfulfilled Dreams:

This week studying the concept of Gridlock in marriage was very enlightening and I can see the value in trying to solve it or at least learning to accept.  Dr. Gottman defines gridlock as unresolvable conflicts.  I really liked the idea of spouses communicating unfulfilled dreams to each other to explain why they dig in their heels about certain subjects.  He suggests an exercise where couples become “Dream Detectives”.  While the title of this activity is off the charts in cheesiness, it is a great idea for couples struggling to understand their spouse’s dreams.  Here are two steps to doing just this:   

1) Become a “Dream Detective,” and allow yourself to contemplate dreams you may have buried or ignored within the gridlocked issue. This will help you to understand the ways in which you feel that these wishes are not being addressed in your relationship.

2) Explain your position to your partner without criticism or blame. If it helps, write out such an explanation beforehand, focusing on what the two of you need or want out of the area of disagreement. Come to an understanding of the dreams that you and your mate have within the conflict, and dig deeper than the superficial issue to discover your feelings and hopes below the problem at hand. Suspend judgment. Relax. Give each other time, and do not attempt to solve the problem immediately. Ask questions!

In my own marriage we had this issue of gridlock come up when we were first married, though we didn’t know it at the time, we did a pretty good job of talking about each other’s dreams and not letting this issue get the better of us.  When my husband and I had been married for less than a year, he came to me one Friday after work and said, “Let’s go camping, we can be ready in 5 minutes.”  I did not have a problem with going camping but I like order and control.  I wanted to plan out where, when, and all the details of a camping trip and was not flexible or comfortable with impulsiveness.  I fought back and stubbornly told him I did not want to go.  We were angry with each other for a little bit, and I remember my husband saying to me, “If this marriage is going to work, you have to be flexible and spontaneous.”  I told him that I had grown up in too much chaos and I needed to be able to control situations to prevent feelings of anxiety (shared my dream of living chaos free and being in control). He explained to me that he needed to feel like after a stressful week we could just spontaneously drop everything and go.  This is how he relaxed, in the mountains away from everything (shared his dream of being able to escape to the mountains to relax and rejuvenate).   I still have issues with wanting to be in control of everything and my husband is still impulsive at times, but we know why the other feels the way we do and can be supportive even if it isn’t a shared dream. 

Love Languages- Formula For a Consecrated Marriage

A few years ago, my husband and I did the Love Languages exercise by Gary Chapman as part of an assignment for one of my classes I was taking at BYU-I.  We found out some very interesting things about each other and our relationship.  We discovered that we are very similar in many ways.  Neither of us values gift giving as a love language at all and we were also very similar in the quality time, and acts of service as far as significance.  The big difference between the two of us was what we craved the most in a relationship.  I love words of affirmation and he thrives on physical contact.  What is even more interesting was that physical touch was close to the bottom of the scale for me and words of affirmation are not important to my strong confident husband.  We took a look and realize that we had been trying to show love to each other love in the ways that we wanted to receive it.  Instead, we needed to make a conscience effort to show love to the other person in ways that didn’t really come naturally or seem significant to us.  This week as I was reading from Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by Wallace Goddard I came across the idea of consecration in marriage and realized that this is what my husband and I have been trying to accomplish by focusing on the love language that is important to the other.  Goddard said, “Consecration is a covenant that moves us from asking how we can get our needs met to asking how we can bless and serve.  We become more grateful.  Rather than wondering if this marriage is a good investment that will pay us a handsome return, we ask for heavenly grace that we may love and serve as Jesus served- without thought of reward.”  We are far from perfect at this idea of loving each other the way the other wants to be loved.  It is easy to fall into complacency and think we have done enough, the other person should just be happy with the efforts made.  The truth of it is, that if we are truly consecrated in our marriage we will lay all we have, our time, talents, and other blessings on the alter and give up all thoughts of ourselves.  I know that when we do this our marriage runs smoother and is one that we can be excited to have for eternity.   

The Blessing of Differences

For years I have been saying that when I die, the first thing I am going to ask Heavenly Father is “Why did you make men and women so different?”  This is something I have pondered about for quite some time now.  If marriage and family are the most important relationships, why would he make males and females so fundamentally different from each other?  Wouldn’t it be easier if we were more similar?  Wouldn’t there be more peace and less divorce?  This week I may have come across a small part of the answer to these questions.  If we look at the scripture- Alma 34:32 For behold this life is the time for men to prepare to meet God; yea behold the day of this life is the day for men to perform their labors.  This tells us that we must be challenged and that the way will not always be made easy for us.  I cannot think of a way to become more like God, and be prepared to meet him, then to strip ourselves of pride. Marriage is the breeding ground for pride.  It is also the perfect school to learn how to eliminate these feelings, an almost daily challenge to be less prideful.  These three quotes from President Ezra Taft Benson would help all of us to master this sin and heal bad habits so many couples have, and be more prepared to meet God:

*Contention in our families drives the Spirit of the Lord away. It also drives many of our family members away. Contention ranges from a hostile spoken word to worldwide conflicts. The scriptures tell us that “only by pride cometh contention.” (Prov. 13:10; see also Prov. 28:25.)

*The scriptures testify that the proud are easily offended and hold grudges. (See 1 Ne. 16:1–3.) They withhold forgiveness to keep another in their debt and to justify their injured feelings.

*The proud do not receive counsel or correction easily. (See Prov. 15:10; Amos 5:10.) Defensiveness is used by them to justify and rationalize their frailties and failures. (See Matt. 3:9; John 6:30–59.)

This week I have realized that instead of questioning Heavenly Father about the challenges of marriage and overcoming differences, I should thank him for the opportunity to grow, and master this human weakness.  And, of course, show my deepest gratitude for the savior and his atonement which provides me the opportunity to repent when I so often fall prey to this dangerous sin.

The Four Pillars of Shared Meaning.

This week as I studied the Four Pillars of Shared Meaning from Gottman’s book the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work I was impressed by how closely in line these key ideas with what the gospel teaches.  I thought I would share an idea from Gottman and some correlating words from our latter-day prophets and apostles.  The four pillars are; 1. Rituals of connection 2.  Support for Each other’s Roles 3.  Shared Goals 4. Shared Values and Symbols.

Rituals of Connections:

Gottman:  It is a sad fact that less than a third of U.S. families eat dinner together regularly, and more than half of those that do have the television on.  This effectively ends conversations during dinner.   Creating rituals in your marriage (and with your children) can be a powerful antidote to this tendency to disconnect.  A ritual is a structured event or routine that you each enjoy and depend on and that both reflects and reinforces your sense of togetherness.

Dallin H. Oaks 2007: “The number of those who report that their “whole family usually eats dinner together” has declined 33 percent. This is most concerning because the time a family spends together “eating meals at home [is] the strongest predictor of children’s academic achievement and psychological adjustment.” Family mealtimes have also been shown to be a strong bulwark against children’s smoking, drinking, or using drugs. There is inspired wisdom in this advice to parents: what your children really want for dinner is you.”

Support for Each Other’s Roles:

Gottman:  From the standpoint of marriage, our perspective on our own roles and our mate’s can either add to the meaningfulness and harmony between us or create tension.

N. Eldon Tanner 1973: “I can think of nothing sweeter than a home where a man is living his religion, magnifying his priesthood, with his wife supporting him in every way, where love and harmony exists, and where together they are trying to raise a family of righteous sons and daughters whom they can take back into the presence of their Heavenly Father.” 

Shared Goals:

Gottman:  Not only will you increase the intimacy of your marriage by sharing your deepest objectives with your spouse, but to the extent that you work together to achieve shared goals, they can be a path toward making your union even richer. 

Russell M. Nelson 2006: “Good communication includes taking time to plan together. Couples need private time to observe, to talk, and really listen to each other. They need to cooperate—helping each other as equal partners. They need to nurture their spiritual as well as physical intimacy. They should strive to elevate and motivate each other. Marital unity is sustained when goals are mutually understood. Good communication is also enhanced by prayer. To pray with specific mention of a spouse’s good deed (or need) nurtures a marriage.”

Shared Values and Symbols:

Gottman:  Often, a couple’s shared values and beliefs are represented by symbols, which can be actual objects or intangible.  Religious icons like a crucifix or mezuzah are obvious symbols of faith a couple may have displayed in their home.  They represent values if their meaning is discussed, made personal, and agreed upon. 

Gordon B. Hinckley 1975: “…the lives of our people must become the only meaningful expression of our faith and, in fact, therefore, the symbol of our worship.”

Cherishing Your Spouse

For this week's topic of Cherishing your Spouse, I wanted to share a story I heard in Sacrament meeting a few years ago.  A member of the high council was speaking and he told the congregation from the first few years of his marriage.  Every night he would go to get ready for bed and would find his toothbrush laying out with toothpaste on it.  He didn't think much of it at first and never mentioned it to his wife.  After a while he started to get irritated, thinking, "Does she not think I can do this myself?" or "Does she think I won't brush my teeth if she doesn't lay it all out for me?" "I am an adult, I can get my own toothbrush and toothpaste ready."  He never said anything to her, but was getting more and more annoyed every night when he would go to bed.  Finally one night he was in a bad mood and snapped at her, "Why do you always do this? Do you think I can't handle putting toothpaste on a toothbrush?"  She was surprised and a little embarrassed that he was so upset about it.  "She said, when we got married, the temple sealer advised us to look for a way to serve each other every day.  I have put toothpaste on your toothbrush everyday since we got married because I want to serve you."  To say the least he was so humiliated.  He couldn't believe he had assumed the worst about his wife and had not even thought twice about the counsel the sealer had given.  He decided right then to follow her example and find a way to serve her every day, but he also decided never to assume anything about her, but to always think and hope for the best.  Haven't we all had a time when we assumed something about a spouse or a loved one and it turned out to be completely different?  I think that if we will look for the best and hope for the best, then the best is what we will see and feel.  I hope this story inspires all to remember that sometimes cherishing our loved ones might just mean giving them the benefit of the doubt. 

Lord is it I?

It was our beloved Savior’s final night in mortality, the evening before He would offer Himself a ransom for all mankind. As He broke bread with His disciples, He said something that must have filled their hearts with great alarm and deep sadness. “One of you shall betray me,” He told them.

The disciples didn’t question the truth of what He said. Nor did they look around, point to someone else, and ask, “Is it him?”

Instead, “they were exceeding sorrowful, and began every one of them to say unto him, Lord, is it I?”

Elder Uchtdorf gave these words in the October 2014 priesthood session of General Conference.  It is a talk I have read repeatedly as it seems to really speak to my soul.  As I began to read John M. Gottman’s book this week titled the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work I was reminded again of this talk by Elder Uchtdorf.  I could spend all my time and energies studying this book and think about all the ways my husband could learn from these principles, or I can turn and ask, “Lord is it I?”.  I am the one studying marriage and reading this book, therefore, I will take all the principles learned and figure out how I can do better in each area of my marriage.  I am going to try hard not to point the proverbial finger at my husband’s mote while ignoring my own beams.

Another take away as I delve into the aspects of creating a better marriage is being fair.  In H. Wallace Goddard’s book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage he talks about the Fundamental attribution error.  He says, “Social psychology has found an intriguing quirk in human thinking.  The fundamental attribution error suggest that humans tend to interpret the behaviors of other based on character- or lack of it.  In contrast, when we interpret our own behavior, we tend to factor in circumstances as important.”  I will not excuse myself for certain destructive behaviors in marriage, or “horsemen” as Gottman calls them, as circumstantial while expecting my husband’s character to be perfect. 

As I take a good look at my role and my responsibilities in marriage I know it will only bless our relationship and help heal areas that may be damaged and strengthen those areas that are already thriving.  Again, the words of Elder Uchtdorf, from the same talk, bring a promise that I want to live worthy of. “…being able to see ourselves clearly is essential to our spiritual growth and well-being. If our weaknesses and shortcomings remain obscured in the shadows, then the redeeming power of the Savior cannot heal them and make them strengths.   Ironically, our blindness toward our human weaknesses will also make us blind to the divine potential that our Father yearns to nurture within each of us.”

DOCTRINES OF AN ETERNAL MARRIAGE

       

This week as we have been studying the Doctrines of an Eternal Marriage a talk by Elder Bruce C. Hafen really stood out to me.  He said, “Jesus taught about contractual attitudes when he described the “hireling,” who performs his conditional promise of care only when he receives something in return. When the hireling “seeth the wolf coming,” he “leaveth the sheep, and fleeth … because he … careth not for the sheep.” By contrast, the Savior said, “I am the good shepherd, … and I lay down my life for the sheep.”  Many people today marry as hirelings. And when the wolf comes, they flee. This idea is wrong. It curses the earth, turning parents’ hearts away from their children and from each other.” He goes on to describe three of the “wolves” that can attack marriage.  The first wolf he warns of is natural adversity, those hard time we go through in marriage that can make us stronger or tear us apart.  The second wolf is their own imperfections, finding fault in ourselves and in our spouse.  The third warning or wolf that he points out is excessive individualism, where couples separate themselves so much that they eventually don’t have anything in common.  In my marriage I think this last “wolf” is one that my husband and I have made a conscience effort to avoid the most.

When we first got married, for whatever reason, I was worried that I would lose my identity by “becoming one” so I tried to keep my hobbies, interests, and preferences to myself.  My husband hated it and would always ask me to focus more on what we had in common rather than what make us different.  It took me many years to come around and see what he was trying to tell me.  He didn’t want me to become him or him to become me, he wanted us to become one.  After that I tried harder to take an interest in what he liked, and he did the same with me.  It is like a game for us when we find things that we both like we say, “we both like that because we are the same”.  I don’t feel like I have lost my identity instead I feel like I have gained a relationship with my partner that is stronger because we are together.  I also think that focusing on this “wolf”, helps us avoid the pitfalls of the other two.  When we are more unified in our relationship times of adversity can’t conquer us because we are stronger as a partnership than alone.  I also think that by being unified in all things we aren’t looking for faults in each other, instead we are finding things we are both good at and working on them together.

Here are a few pictures of my husband and I as we climbed Mt. Whitney together.  Before we were married this was not something I ever would have thought I could do or would even want to do.  After many years of him asking me to climb it with him, I finally agreed.  It was so hard but I can honestly say I have never felt accomplishment like when I submitted the highest peak in the continental U.S.  This is just one example how trying to be unified has strengthened our marriage.

Threats to Marriage

Our newly called Prophet said in a 2014 commencement address, ““Male and female are created for what they can do and become, together. It takes a man and a woman to bring a child into the world. Mothers and fathers are not interchangeable. Men and women are distinct and complementary. Children deserve a chance to grow up with both a mom and a dad.”

In the fall of  2008, while living in Southern California, I had the privilege of joining with many like-minded people to be part of the Proposition 8 campaign to try and save traditional marriage.  I made phone calls encouraging people to vote, I put a sign in my yard trying to inspire people to vote for “prop 8”, and I stood all along the busy streets of Southern California holding signs to show that I stood for marriage being between a man and a woman.  There were many of my LDS faith doing the same, but there were also so many of different religions that believed the same way and wanted their voice to be heard.  See the chart below for the results of the efforts made by so many for this great cause on November 4, 2008. 

Election results

California Proposition 8
Overturned Case:Hollingsworth v Perry No. 12–144
Result	Votes	Percentage
Yes	7,001,084	52.24%
No	6,401,482	47.76%

Turnout: 79.4% of registered

 We felt we had truly participated in a miracle when the vote went in favor of saving traditional marriage!  It is so disappointing to me that 10 years later all the work we did and all the voices who spoke in California have been ignored.  The system we have in place of voicing our desires through the vote has been manipulated by the opposition so that it is now void.  Marriage is worth fighting for and we of the LDS faith and many other God-fearing religions will continue to teach and to speak out about the true nature of marriage and what it was designed to be.  Justice Roberts and all those who did not concur with the five justices who voted to make same-sex marriage legal nationally said, “Marriage did not come about as a result of a political movement, discovery, disease, war, religious doctrine, or any other moving force of world history—and certainly not as a result of a prehistoric decision to exclude gays and lesbians. It arose in the nature of things to meet a vital need: ensuring that children are conceived by a mother and father committed to raising them in the stable conditions of a lifelong relationship.”

Marriage Trends- Divorce 

I wanted my first post of my blog to have a really catchy and fun hook for readers.  I wanted followers to be excited about reading my thoughts and ideas that I am learning about in my Marriage class.  So I was quite disappointed when I logged into the reading materials to see that we would be diving right into divorce- on week two- of a marriage class.   I am going to try and keep this upbeat, and not focus on the disparaging statistics of the unlikelihood that a marriage will survive.  Marriage is hard and I don't think there is one couple out there that hasn't thought at one time or another about throwing in the towel.  We may feel we have been tricked into this institution.  As young adults we look at what appear to be happy marriages all around us and then when real life sets in after the honeymoon we might feel like we are missing something.  Everyone else is living in marital bliss, why aren't we?  This may be the point where doubts start creeping in as to if we made a mistake by choosing the one we did.   

President Hinckley said, "Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he's been robbed... most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration."  He knew what so many of us are still learning and what I think many who eventually divorce never learn, that we marry imperfect people.  Our challenge in marriage, is to make the most of those imperfections.  Instead of giving up on marriage I think that struggling married couples should ponder the words of Elder Eyring:

   If all married couples kept this as their mantra during trying times, maybe some of the depressing figures about divorce wouldn't be so disparaging and we would see more marriages being successful.