The Four Pillars of Shared Meaning.

This week as I studied the Four Pillars of Shared Meaning from Gottman’s book the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work I was impressed by how closely in line these key ideas with what the gospel teaches.  I thought I would share an idea from Gottman and some correlating words from our latter-day prophets and apostles.  The four pillars are; 1. Rituals of connection 2.  Support for Each other’s Roles 3.  Shared Goals 4. Shared Values and Symbols.

Rituals of Connections:

Gottman:  It is a sad fact that less than a third of U.S. families eat dinner together regularly, and more than half of those that do have the television on.  This effectively ends conversations during dinner.   Creating rituals in your marriage (and with your children) can be a powerful antidote to this tendency to disconnect.  A ritual is a structured event or routine that you each enjoy and depend on and that both reflects and reinforces your sense of togetherness.

Dallin H. Oaks 2007: “The number of those who report that their “whole family usually eats dinner together” has declined 33 percent. This is most concerning because the time a family spends together “eating meals at home [is] the strongest predictor of children’s academic achievement and psychological adjustment.” Family mealtimes have also been shown to be a strong bulwark against children’s smoking, drinking, or using drugs. There is inspired wisdom in this advice to parents: what your children really want for dinner is you.”

Support for Each Other’s Roles:

Gottman:  From the standpoint of marriage, our perspective on our own roles and our mate’s can either add to the meaningfulness and harmony between us or create tension.

N. Eldon Tanner 1973: “I can think of nothing sweeter than a home where a man is living his religion, magnifying his priesthood, with his wife supporting him in every way, where love and harmony exists, and where together they are trying to raise a family of righteous sons and daughters whom they can take back into the presence of their Heavenly Father.” 

Shared Goals:

Gottman:  Not only will you increase the intimacy of your marriage by sharing your deepest objectives with your spouse, but to the extent that you work together to achieve shared goals, they can be a path toward making your union even richer. 

Russell M. Nelson 2006: “Good communication includes taking time to plan together. Couples need private time to observe, to talk, and really listen to each other. They need to cooperate—helping each other as equal partners. They need to nurture their spiritual as well as physical intimacy. They should strive to elevate and motivate each other. Marital unity is sustained when goals are mutually understood. Good communication is also enhanced by prayer. To pray with specific mention of a spouse’s good deed (or need) nurtures a marriage.”

Shared Values and Symbols:

Gottman:  Often, a couple’s shared values and beliefs are represented by symbols, which can be actual objects or intangible.  Religious icons like a crucifix or mezuzah are obvious symbols of faith a couple may have displayed in their home.  They represent values if their meaning is discussed, made personal, and agreed upon. 

Gordon B. Hinckley 1975: “…the lives of our people must become the only meaningful expression of our faith and, in fact, therefore, the symbol of our worship.”